Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
