Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
