Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
