I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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