While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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