Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
