Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
