The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
