I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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