It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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