i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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