It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that's an acceptable place to lick
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
