i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
