Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
