Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
