My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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