You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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