Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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