That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
