the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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