so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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