New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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