my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
