Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
