Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
