I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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