last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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