remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
should my penis look like a turkey
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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