Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
