We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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