sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
