the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
