Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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