shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
