I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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