i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister