Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
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Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.