I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.