My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.