I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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