mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have fence marks all over my body
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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