we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My balls are so social today.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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