I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
