his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going