Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand