I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.