i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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