I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
