I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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