she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
