Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
