She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
