how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
