He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
