The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
