I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
