Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
