after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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