Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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