How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
