I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
