remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My penis needs a shock collar
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
