I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
