Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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