Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
