you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
