if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just found a bag of teeth...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
